


heartbeat

by mssjynx



Category: Gay baby gang
Genre: Cliche, Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 03:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15940730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssjynx/pseuds/mssjynx
Summary: jay can't stop panicking. he can't breathe, he can't think.john helps.





	heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> something i wrote at like 2am that worked out surprisingly well

jay couldn’t hear anything but his own heartbeat.

his friends chatting, people laughing, the crackling voice over the speaker. the sounds of games all around them, machines, objects clinking and thudding. he couldn’t focus on anything but his heartbeat.

dun-dun. dun-dun. dun-dun.

he didn’t realise he was grinding his teeth so hard until his jaw started aching. the palms of his hands stung from where he clenched his fists so tightly his fingernails dug into the soft skin.

they had arrived at the convention about an hour ago and jay hadn’t left john or cam’s sides since. since the moment they’d stepped inside, he had felt the panic building up in his chest and he could tell it wasn’t passing over. it wasn’t going to end well. his panic attacks were never nice.

“jay.” he glanced up, meeting soft pale eyes. there was a long moment where tried to decipher what colour exactly they were. green? blue? he couldn’t tell but he wanted to find out. “jay, are you okay?”

mesmerising eyes blinked and jay repeated the words in his head, trying to focus. “uh, y- yeah. i’m fine,” he said. it was an automatic response.

john didn’t look convinced at all. “you’re not,” he said. glancing around at the rest of them, he easily slid an arm around jay’s shoulders. “hey, fuckers. jay an’ i are gonna go grab some snacks and swing past the bathroom. meet you at the booth in half an hour?”

the group mumbled out various responses and john steered jay away and towards the number of food vans and stalls.

“bathroom or food first?” john asked and jay swallowed.

“bathroom.” his throat tightened, getting one word out too difficult of a task.

dun-dun. dun-dun. dun-dun. dun-dun.

“okay, jus’ keep breathing steady for me jay-jay. we’re nearly there.” he supposed his panic was obvious as john turned his head to murmur the reassuring words right near jay’s ear. 

_dun-dun. dun-dun._

he needed to get to the bathroom. his lungs felt tiny, tight and flooded with water. every inhale was a thin gasp, every exhale wheezed.

his heartbeat swallowed him whole and he couldn’t breathe.

“hey, hey.” pale eyes flashed with worry. “hold on, buddy. breathe, okay?”

he couldn’t, he couldn’t, he _couldn’t_!

the glowing toilets sign flashed on the wall, visible to the pair as they rounded the corner. as soon as jay’s dark eyes landed on it, the boy forgot about all else. he slipped out from beneath john’s arm and bolted. ducking around people, he kept his eyes on that sign until he came into view of the three doors and bee-lined straight for the middle one. he slammed into the door, pushing it open and yanking it shut behind him. locked.

his heartbeat filled the room.

“fuck,” he cursed, clenching and unclenching his fists. bringing his hands up to his face, he stumbled to the basin and stared into his own wide eyes. he yanked the facemask off, pulling down the hood of his jacket and curled his fingers around the edge of the sink.

the boy in the mirror looked terrified.

three knocks sounded on the door. “jay.” john’s voice called through, wary. jay kept his feet planted. he didn’t look away from his own eyes. his chest heaved. “jay, open up dude. it’s just me; i won’t leave you to deal with this alone. let me in, bud.”

the lock clicked, metal freezing cold against jay’s hands. the panic-filled boy backed up to the opposite wall, sliding down it to sit and hug his knees. he hid his face and trembled.

the door opened and shut again, locked. he knew it was john but couldn’t bring himself to look up. heartbeat. loud. suffocating.

_dun-dun. dun-dun. dun-dun. dun-dun. dun-dun._

“jay, are you having a panic attack?” warm. careful. safe. john’s voice slipped into jay’s head between the deafening thumping of his heart. he didn’t realise there were tears on his face until he lifted his head to look up at john who sat cross-legged just in front of him. the twenty-five year old watched him calmly.

he managed a short nod, eyes fluttering. the lack of oxygen getting into his system was making him dizzy. he couldn’t think. he couldn’t breathe. he couldn’t focus.

“okay, do you know what to do? can you calm yourself down?” level. caring. _safe_.

jay shook his head, eyes unable to get wide enough.

“you need to breathe.” jay shook his head again, the very mention of the task making it ten times harder. shallow. fast. painful. he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe. john’s hand cupped the side of jay’s face. “okay, focus on something else. focus on me, alright? look at my eyes, listen to my voice. pay attention to me-“

“i-… can’t!” jay gasped squeezing his eyes shut and throwing his head back. pain spread through the back of his skull from a point of contact he didn’t even feel against the wall.

_DUN-DUN. DUN-DUN. DUN-DUN. DUN-DUN._

he snapped his eyes back open, desperate, and met john’s. he was scared too, fighting with himself. he didn’t know what to do. jay didn’t know what to do. he was panicking, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t-

the hand on his cheek drew him forward, john leaning on his knees and balancing with a hand on jay’s leg. pale eyes closed. john pushed his lips to jay’s and the hyperventilating cut short. for a split second, the panic teetered on the edge of an explosion, not a single bit of air getting into his mouth, heartbeat slamming in his chest, in his head.

but then john adjusted his head slightly to the right and his lips pressed firm and determined to jay’s. jay’s eyes rolled back and both of his hands lifted to either side of john’s face, one resting against his cheek and the other tangling in his hair.

john’s lips were _perfect_. they whispered to jay’s silently, coaxing his to move with them. slow and gentle. giving. loving. they let him escape his mind completely.

no heartbeat. no gasping. no racing thoughts.

just the kiss.

and the kiss lingered. several minutes passed and by the time jay drew back, his lips were slightly swollen and he was breathing deep and slowly through his nose. he watched john’s beautiful eyes flicker open, slow and dazed. his lips were just as pink.

and for a moment, they just breathed, surrounded by only each other, distracted by only each other. no bathroom, no convention, no friends, no fans. just john and jay.

“thank you.” open whispered words. jay couldn’t look away from those eyes, those eyes that had followed him, that had stayed with him, that had saved him. those eyes that had seen a side of him he hated to show, a vulnerability that no one else saw. “thank you,” he repeated, leaning back in and pressing his lips back to john’s.


End file.
